Can you hear the loud whine emanating from the coasts?

That chorus of dweebs comprises elite newspaper reporters, columnists and so-called influencers who have just heard the news that Elon Musk, the uber-rich new owner and CEO of Twitter, might begin charging $19.99 a month to retain “verification” on his dumb social media platform.

Their moans are music to my ears!

According to a positively symphonic report from the Verge, Musk is gung-ho on shaking up the entire screwed-up system.

“The whole verification process is being revamped right now,” he tweeted.

Play on, Elon! Play on!

What Maestro Musk is hinting at, the report said, is that those stupid blue checkmarks might soon cost a staggering $240 a year, and that they will be available to more folks than just CNN writers, celebrities, YouTube stars and Pete Buttigieg’s husband. 

Anybody can get one — Twitterté, tweegalité, tweeternité! — if they are willing to partake in one of the greatest scams since bottled water: 20 bucks every 31 days for a meaningless stamp.

However, that badge of BS means more than life itself to members of media.

Verification tends to be granted to public figures, such as celebrities, journalists and politicians.
Verification tends to be granted to public figures, such as celebrities, journalists and politicians.
Getty Images/iStockphoto

Journalists, who can barely afford a ballpoint pen, are incensed that their easiest avenue of self-styled power is about to cost more than HBO. And they’re further rankled that they could wind up no more special on Twitter than their plebeian readers thanks to a checkmark bonanza. Womp womp.

Isn’t their distress soothing, like Beethoven’s “Emperor” concerto?

Waking up to find that little blue symbol next to one’s name is, for a certain superior sect of society, akin to being knighted by the king. Many excitedly announce this non-achievement. After years of toiling in unofficial obscurity, blasting out scoops and carefully crafted jokes, they’ve ascended to digital Mount Olympus. They finally matter.

Not so much, it turns out. 

Elon Musk named himself CEO of Twitter after he bought it.
Elon Musk named himself CEO of Twitter after he bought it.
AP

Verification should prove a user is real — not deem them to be more important than everybody else.

Verification signals, according to Twitter, that an account is “authentic, notable, and active.” There is an application process, but Twitter also verifies accounts on its own. The price tag, I’ll admit, is a rip-off.

To those personalities who would barely exist were it not for Twitter, Evil Elon is at it again. This injustice simply cannot stand. Especially since they vastly prefer their personal Twitter accounts to the actual publications they are paid by.

There is nothing writers hate more than being edited. How dare an educated coworker who knows the difference between who and whom try to make their story read clearer and smarter. The gall. Writers want their pure, unfiltered feelings available to all without any fact-checking or pesky bosses getting in the way. Twitter gave them that, plus the opportunity to endlessly boast and reveal all their biases while having a checkmark just like Cher. 

With Elon in charge and the end of free verification imminent, some are threatening a mass exodus. 

Good! Twitter would be far better off as an app on which to share photos of puppies.

Elon Musk might soon charge $19.99 for those blue verification checkmarks on Twitter.
Elon Musk might soon charge $19.99 per month for those blue verification checkmarks on Twitter.
AFP via Getty Images

Let’s be real: Twitter is a 100% toxic cesspit showcasing humanity at its absolute worst. It’s where Kanye West, with no oversight, posted vile anti-Semitic messages. His account was briefly frozen, and now he’s back. With a nifty blue checkmark.

Not exactly some sacred marker of reliability, is it?

The notion that we should give more attention and consideration to the points tweeted by the rarified verified is wrong.

If Musk wants to open up verification to the masses, fine. The media kvetching about a totally inconsequential business move is hysterical. They can go press “submit” somewhere else. 



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